Three simple steps for 100% privacy protection

In the wake of all the NSA/Eric Snowden disclosures, everyone seems to be abuzz with the notion of protecting their personal privacy from the big internet companies, the government, and from other nefarious characters. As someone who has worked with computers for the past thirty years, and has some expertise setting up networks, installing software, etc., I believe that I have a nearly bulletproof solution to this whole issue.

I can guarantee that if you follow my three simple steps, no one will be able to track you online, read your emails, or hack into your credit card account.

  1. Locate your computer(s). Depending on the model, you will find a switch either on its front or its back that when you flip it, shuts it completely off. Shut it off. For additional protection, detach all cables running into it — including the power cord — and place the computer in your closet. Do whatever you want with all the other stuff that attaches to it. 
  2. If you have a cell phone, it also has a switch on it that will power it down. Power it down. For additional protection, return this phone to where you bought it and close the account associated with it. 
  3. If you have credit cards, remove them from your wallet or purse. Find a pair of scissors. Apply scissors to credit cards in a manner  that will render them into at least four smaller pieces per card. You may cut them into more pieces if  you like but fewer is not recommended. Next, call the company that sent you the card and say, “Thanks, but I’d rather not.” If they tell you that you owe them money, send them the money. 

This third step will also have the benefit of saving you all kinds of money on those services that will only take credit card for payment. I’m 100% certain that you probably don’t need those anyway, so you’ll now have plenty of cash left over to enjoy any activity that happily takes cash and do it in complete privacy.